SHARKNADOS ARE MOST LIKELY CAUSED BY MAN MADE GLOBAL WARMING!

“Go, go, go, go, go, go, run away from the Sharknado!”

Haunting lyrics from the Sharknado theme song.

         Despite being mocked as one of the dumbest B movie comedies of all time, the blockbuster TV movie “Sharknado” might be based on scientific research that is being conducted by environmental groups. “Why The Palm Beach Post Sucks” (WTPBPS) has learned that Hollywood screenwriters have gained access to the confidential study. We at WTPBPS have sent our crack team of investigative reporters to Great Britain to learn the truth.

         We arrived in London and were whisked by stretch limousines to the palatial headquarters of “International Monitors for Better Environmental Control In Leftist States” (IMBECILS).

Hi, my name is Mr. Tyler Phoon lead investigative journalist for climate affairs at WTPBS. My crack staff arranged the following interview with the head climatologists of “Project Sharknado” that is being conducted by the IBECILS organization. I met with Dr. Fin Dorsal of Finland and Dr. Wendy Vortex of Cyclone, Italy. The following is the transcript from my interview.

        

Dr. Fin Dorsal:         “Greetings Mr. Phoon, I trust your flight was satisfactory? Let me introduce you to my colleague Professor Wendy Vortex.”

Mr. Ty Phoon:         “Hello doctors. Let me start by asking; is it true that an obscure American film studio called “The Asylum” came to possess e-mails being sent from your headquarters here in London to university professors in Pennsylvania, and that in those secret e-mails, research concerning a project called “Sharknado” was revealed?”

Dr. Wendy Vortex:         “Yes, that is true. The study was never meant for public release. It came out in the Edward Snowden document dump. The Chinese were so terrified by the content of the study that they leaked it to Hollywood where Asylum picked it up.”

Mr. Ty Phoon:         “Surely, it is not your contention that a Sharknado is actually possible?”

 Dr. Vortex:         “My name is Wendy sir, but yes… our preliminary research shows that under precise circumstances a twister… a large waterspout… could lift marine life including sharks and transport them inland. We need further investigation and that is why we are petitioning the U.S. government and the American Universities for a $100 Billion grant. Much work remains in order to definitively prove or disprove the global threat of Sharknado.”

Mr Phoon:         “How do you expect to sell such an expensive project to the people… the taxpayers who must fund it?”

Dr. Fin:         “Basically fear. We desperately need more help from Hollywood. “Sharknado2” is already in production and the story will take place in New York City, which should help advance our cause.

AN INCONVIENT TRUTH

THE GENESES OF SHARKNADOS

Al Gores movie, “An Inconvenient Truth”, laid the foundation for generations of future IMBECIL members… researchers… scientist and such people who will one day take our place, but we need much more help from the Hollywood elites.”

Dr. Vortex:         “Yes, Dr. Fin is correct. Once people are convinced that global warning not only exists, but also is man made, nothing is impossible. Network TV has successfully begun to convince viewers that many of the strange “never before recorded events” such as heat in the summertime is caused by global warming. We must make the public believe that rain, mud, wildfires, dust, flooding, drought, earthquakes, volcanoes and tsunamis are all rare events that have become common occurrences due to global warming. As long as history is not taught to children and adults care about the Royal Birth here in London, the TV networks will continue to succeed. If movie theaters would coordinate scheduling by showing a double feature of “Twister” directly followed by “Jaws” the seed will be planted in the typical American idiots mind that if farm animals can go flying by their car as in “Twister”, then why not sharks in a Sharknado?  

SHARKNADO-HEADS FLOCK TO L.A.

Mr. Phoon:         “Dr. Vortex, that is pretty harsh…calling Americans idiots!”

Dr. Vortex:         “In what other country would the citizens sit idly on top of fossil fuel reserves that if put to use would bankrupt Saudi Arabia and simultaneously defund terrorists, the greatest threat to them? What other group of people would waste trillions of dollars on windmills and solar panels that the Chinese produce at a fraction of the cost and then block the Keystone pipeline so that Canadian oil will be diverted from their country to go to China who will burn the oil in facilities that cause much more pollution and then use the profits made in China to produce even more solar panels and put American green industry out of business?”

Dr. Fin:         “She’s right! In 1980, Americans witnessed the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. The eruption clear cut hundreds of acres of surrounding timberland, annihilating every living creature for miles… covering the entire region in a foot of ash and spewing more carbon into the atmosphere in a few hours than humans have created since the dawn of mankind? Mother Nature pops a zit and does more “damage” to herself than man has ever been capable of…and now 30 years later, after driving an SUV loaded with kids home from the ballpark and firing up the outdoor barbeque grill to cook some hamburgers a man is insulted by some twit driving an electric car that has been charged up by a coal burning electrical power plant. The Ignorant Democrat looks down his snarky nose and smirks at the trailer trash, stupid, redneck polluting the earth with his cigarette and mini-grill! To we European elites, that’s what makes Americans hysterical, the lower classes are kept ignorant and the upper-class is fatuitous!”

2013 JOE SIX PACK             1980 MT. ST. HELENS

POLLUTER JOE SIX-PACK VS. MIGHTY MOTHER EARTH

Mr. Phoon:         “You seem to be admitting that all your man made global warming research and “The Sharknado Project” is a scam… a hoax.”

Dr. Fin:         “I assume that those asides and personal opinions I just offered are off the record, Mr. Phoon. You are a member of the American media elite after all…a progressive contributor to the "media-academia complex"... thus surely you agree with us about how stupid and gullible the American people are and how they are led like cattle by your corrupt self serving government. I hope I can talk openly about these things to a fellow traveler.”

Mr. Phoon:         “Doctors, have you never met a journalist that was not an anti-American leftist?”

Dr’s.:         “No, never…unless you consider that dried up old windbag Rupert Murdoch a journalist.”

Mr. Phoon:          “Let’s get back to Sharknado. Are you worried that you may be stereotyping sharks as evil, bloodthirsty killing machines? I remember when in 1975, after seeing “Jaws”, I became obsessed with sharks while diving in the Florida Keys. Out of fear I armed myself with a spear gun and strapped a dive knife to my ankle. I found myself observing the sharks with a wary eye and began following them… I even harassed a harmless nurse shark. When I followed a Cobia, which is not even a shark but is a game fish that resembles a shark, I was horrified at the realization that I was profiling! I had unwittingly become a piscatorial profiler! Guilt ridden and ashamed I shot a few Angel Fish with my spear gun just to make myself feel better. So do you believe that the movie Sharknado which is based on your research is politically in-correct?”

Dr. Vortex:         “We have no control over Hollywood but we do work symbiotically with the elites that control that industry. If Hollywood generates fear in the public’s mind and then links that fear of nature to man made global warming, mankind benefits. If it’s all for the greater good I believe we can do no wrong… anything goes.” 

Mr. Phoon:         “OK, lets sum up…a Sharknado may be quite possible…is that your contention?”

Dr. Fin:         “Absolutely!”

Dr. Vortex:         “I concur… but as we said, we need a lot more money to complete our work and prevent future global warming disasters. The public has not forgotten the damage caused by hurricane Sandy and the upcoming “Sharknado2” movie will scare the big spending New Yorkers into action. They will imagine another hurricane larger than Sandy and spawning shaknados hitting their city! After New York City is annihilated on the big screen by flying, man-eating sharks, we hope that money from D.C. will fill our coffers.”

Mr. Phoon:         “Thank you doctors, this interview has been very informative, good luck with Project Sharknado!”

Jacob Bronowski: “That is the essence of science; ask an impertinent question and you are on your way to a pertinent answer.”

DENY THE SHARKNADO AT YOUR OWN PERIL!

AT LEAST SHARKNADO IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN “THE PALM BEACH POST”!

THAT’S WHY THE PALM BEACH POST SUCKS!