“Go, go, go, go, go,
go, run away from the Sharknado!”
Haunting lyrics from the Sharknado theme song.
Despite
being mocked as one of the dumbest B movie comedies of all time, the blockbuster TV movie “Sharknado” might be based on scientific research that is being conducted by environmental groups. “Why The Palm Beach Post Sucks” (WTPBPS) has learned that Hollywood screenwriters have gained access to the confidential study. We at
WTPBPS have sent our crack team of investigative reporters to Great Britain to
learn the truth.
We
arrived in London and were whisked by stretch limousines to the palatial
headquarters of “International Monitors
for Better Environmental Control In Leftist States” (IMBECILS).
Hi, my name is Mr. Tyler Phoon lead investigative journalist for climate affairs at WTPBS. My crack staff
arranged the following interview with the head climatologists of “Project Sharknado” that is being
conducted by the IBECILS organization. I met with Dr. Fin Dorsal of Finland and
Dr. Wendy Vortex of Cyclone, Italy. The following is the transcript from my
interview.
Dr.
Fin Dorsal: “Greetings Mr. Phoon, I trust your flight was
satisfactory? Let me introduce you to my colleague Professor Wendy Vortex.”
Mr. Ty Phoon: “Hello doctors. Let me start by asking; is it true that an obscure American film studio
called “The Asylum” came to possess e-mails being sent from your headquarters
here in London to university professors in Pennsylvania, and that in those secret e-mails, research concerning a project called “Sharknado” was revealed?”
Dr.
Wendy Vortex: “Yes, that is true. The study was never
meant for public release. It came out in the Edward Snowden document dump. The
Chinese were so terrified by the content of the study that they leaked it to
Hollywood where Asylum picked it up.”
Mr. Ty Phoon: “Surely, it is not your contention that a Sharknado is actually possible?”
Dr. Vortex: “My name is Wendy sir, but yes… our
preliminary research shows that under precise circumstances a twister… a large
waterspout… could lift marine life including sharks and transport them inland.
We need further investigation and that is
why we are petitioning the U.S. government and the American Universities for a
$100 Billion grant. Much work remains in order to definitively prove or
disprove the global threat of Sharknado.”
Mr Phoon: “How do you expect to sell such an expensive
project to the people… the taxpayers who must fund it?”
Dr.
Fin: “Basically fear. We desperately need more
help from Hollywood. “Sharknado2” is already in production and the story will
take place in New York City, which should help advance our cause.
AN INCONVIENT TRUTH
THE GENESES OF SHARKNADOS
Al Gores movie, “An Inconvenient Truth”, laid the foundation
for generations of future IMBECIL members… researchers… scientist and such people
who will one day take our place, but we need much more help from the Hollywood
elites.”
Dr.
Vortex: “Yes, Dr. Fin is correct. Once people are
convinced that global warning not only exists, but also is man made, nothing is
impossible. Network TV has successfully begun to convince viewers that many of
the strange “never before recorded
events” such as heat in the summertime is caused by global warming. We must
make the public believe that rain, mud, wildfires, dust, flooding, drought,
earthquakes, volcanoes and tsunamis are all rare events that have become common
occurrences due to global warming. As long as history is not taught to children
and adults care about the Royal Birth here in London, the TV networks will
continue to succeed. If movie theaters would coordinate scheduling by showing a
double feature of “Twister” directly followed by “Jaws” the seed will be
planted in the typical American idiots mind that if farm animals can go flying
by their car as in “Twister”, then why not sharks in a Sharknado?
SHARKNADO-HEADS FLOCK TO L.A.
Mr. Phoon: “Dr. Vortex, that is pretty harsh…calling
Americans idiots!”
Dr.
Vortex: “In what other country would the citizens sit
idly on top of fossil fuel reserves that if put to use would bankrupt Saudi
Arabia and simultaneously defund terrorists, the greatest threat to them? What other group of people would waste
trillions of dollars on windmills and solar panels that the Chinese produce at
a fraction of the cost and then block the Keystone pipeline so that Canadian
oil will be diverted from their country to go to China who will burn the oil in
facilities that cause much more pollution and then use the profits made in
China to produce even more solar panels and put American green industry out of
business?”
Dr.
Fin: “She’s right! In 1980, Americans witnessed the
eruption of Mt. St. Helens. The eruption clear cut hundreds of acres of
surrounding timberland, annihilating every living creature for miles… covering
the entire region in a foot of ash and spewing more carbon into the atmosphere
in a few hours than humans have created since the dawn of mankind? Mother Nature pops a zit and does more
“damage” to herself than man has ever been capable of…and now 30 years
later, after driving an SUV loaded with kids home from the ballpark and firing
up the outdoor barbeque grill to cook some hamburgers a man is insulted by some
twit driving an electric car that has been charged up by a coal burning
electrical power plant. The Ignorant Democrat looks down his snarky nose and
smirks at the trailer trash, stupid, redneck polluting the earth with his
cigarette and mini-grill! To we European elites, that’s what makes Americans
hysterical, the lower classes are kept ignorant and the upper-class is
fatuitous!”
2013
JOE SIX PACK
1980 MT. ST. HELENS
POLLUTER
JOE SIX-PACK VS. MIGHTY MOTHER EARTH
Mr. Phoon: “You seem to be admitting that all your man
made global warming research and “The Sharknado Project” is a scam… a hoax.”
Dr.
Fin: “I assume that those asides and personal
opinions I just offered are off the record, Mr. Phoon. You are a member of the American media elite after all…a progressive contributor to the "media-academia complex"... thus
surely you agree with us about how stupid and gullible the American people are
and how they are led like cattle by your corrupt self serving government. I
hope I can talk openly about these things to a fellow traveler.”
Mr. Phoon: “Doctors, have you never met a journalist
that was not an anti-American leftist?”
Dr’s.: “No, never…unless you consider that dried up
old windbag Rupert Murdoch a journalist.”
Mr. Phoon: “Let’s get back to Sharknado. Are you worried
that you may be stereotyping sharks as evil, bloodthirsty killing machines? I
remember when in 1975, after seeing “Jaws”, I became obsessed with sharks while
diving in the Florida Keys. Out of fear I armed myself with a spear gun and strapped
a dive knife to my ankle. I found myself observing the sharks with a wary eye
and began following them… I even harassed a harmless nurse shark. When I followed a Cobia, which is not even
a shark but is a game fish that resembles a shark, I was horrified at the
realization that I was profiling! I had unwittingly become a piscatorial
profiler! Guilt ridden and ashamed I shot a few Angel Fish with my spear
gun just to make myself feel better. So do you believe that the movie Sharknado
which is based on your research is politically in-correct?”
Dr.
Vortex: “We have no control over Hollywood but we do
work symbiotically with the elites that control that industry. If Hollywood
generates fear in the public’s mind and then links that fear of nature to man
made global warming, mankind benefits. If it’s all for the greater good I believe
we can do no wrong… anything goes.”
Mr. Phoon: “OK, lets sum up…a Sharknado may be quite
possible…is that your contention?”
Dr.
Fin: “Absolutely!”
Dr.
Vortex: “I concur… but as we said, we need a lot more
money to complete our work and prevent future global warming disasters. The public has not forgotten the damage caused by hurricane Sandy and the upcoming “Sharknado2” movie will scare the big spending New Yorkers into action. They will imagine another hurricane larger than Sandy and spawning shaknados hitting their city! After New York
City is annihilated on the big screen by flying, man-eating sharks, we hope that money from D.C. will fill
our coffers.”
Mr. Phoon: “Thank you doctors, this interview has been
very informative, good luck with Project Sharknado!”
Jacob
Bronowski: “That is the essence of
science; ask an impertinent question and you are on your way to a pertinent
answer.”
DENY
THE SHARKNADO AT YOUR OWN PERIL!
AT LEAST SHARKNADO IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN “THE PALM
BEACH POST”!
THAT’S WHY THE PALM BEACH POST SUCKS!
